Author Topic: Test: Lightest Black  (Read 5929 times)

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Offline Green_Tea

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Test: Lightest Black
« on: July 09, 2010, 12:00:04 am »
Thoughts | I'm not going to teach you to read it. Understand it or don't.

1. Chihara Michiru - Hero. People are always watching. I have to do my best.

2. Sakurada Shirou - Murderer. What's that -dere archtype where they go kill everyone in the way of their love? I thought yandere was where you kill your love. Hmmm.

3. Tsukasa Kouhei - NTR. Love will win the day. My love will beat everything else.



Sakurada Chihiro - Senpai. Shirou's older sister. Second Year, and is being groomed to be the next Student Council President. Mysterious "ufufufu~". Has short hair, never gives a straight answer. She's a bit of an otaku like her brother, and tries to act out various anime cliche sometimes. Tries to be kuudere, but her playful personality dominates. Likes to read Light Novels.

Miyami Mio - Cheerful Tsuruya like. I hope it really shows in my writing how much they're alike. Works for the Student Council and is quite good friends with Chihiro as she is in the same class as Shirou. "Shirou wa yoroshiku onegaishimasu". Is good at various girlfriend-like skills. Has feelings for ---------.

Asakura Reina - Catalyst. Extreme.

It'll just put flab on my mind.

I'll force you to sign this marriage certificate if you break that promise.

***

Draft | Prologue: White

    #Chihara Michiru
   #

Title: White
Have you ever thought that your whole life was a conspiracy? Like how everyone was watching your every move for one reason or another. This kind of feeling is something I get once in a while. I can't guess whether I'm normal or extremely paranoid, but I guess these kinds of thoughts is something that isn't common. Not at all I suppose. I don't know how I got these kinds of thoughts. I grew up in a normal household, in a normal life after all. But I suppose it comes from modern technology and media. Reality shows, game shows, CCTV.

Modern life really is quite scary.

As I daydream about these kind of things while staring out the window, a timid voice calls out to me from the side. An aura of low self-esteem enveloped me as my friend approached to share recess like a normal person would. However both of us are anything but normal, since he definately an otaku while any normal person wouldn't have considered him a real friend. I'm proud of him at this moment, taking the initiative to come to me, although it did take a lot of work on my part to bring out this sort of courage.

Actually we knew each other back in elementary school, lost contact in middle school and met at the start of this year during the welcoming ceremony. At first it was very awkward, and he ran away a lot since he said he didn't want to involve me in any consequent bullying the class may partake of. Luckily the class wasn't very opposed and even felt it a novelty to have an otaku in class so it's not like he was picked on or even ignored. Many people went to him for help with games and which anime they should watch. He is very lucky.

"Hey, nice of you to finally visit my table Kuro-chan." It was his nickname since he was small and always had a dark aura around him due to his low self esteem. Although it doesn't help that his real name is Sakurada Shirou.

"Ahahehe. Please don't make fun of me Michiru." His way of speaking was soft and gentle. Very unlike the stereotypical stutter dipped in doses of extra creepy you hear from the rumours about otaku. Although I never mention to him that he could definately pass for a girl, since it would be a big blow to his ego. A lot of the girls in the class want to dress him up, but I've made sure to fend them off till he's ready - when he is I want to be the first to take a photo and post it everywhere.

"I'm glad you finally come over. Here, lets have some celebratory cake." I turned around and stared at my classmate at surprised. Miyami Mio, a bright and surprisingly good looking student who sits in the seat behind me. Aged 16, birthday is 21/03, and does not ever stop talking. Mio and I were childhood friends - somehow she grew from a studious girl in braids and coke-bottle glasses to an outgoing class rep that doubles on student council work. A busy girl indeed.

"I spent a lot of effort baking it last night you know!" Funny how she has time to bake, but not enough time to time to do her homework. Give me back my notebook now you carefree person.

"Ahahaha, Micchin's cute when he's angry like that. I put a lot of calcium in this cake so you might calm down if you have some." Hey! Is she calling me calcium deficie-

Cake was shoved into my mouth halfway through the sentence. She's so energetic nowadays, I thought as I munched on the cake.

"Ahhh, it's very delicious Miyami-san." Kuro chan was nibbling at it like some kind of rodent, albiet slightly adorable still. It's a wonder how he doesn't put out a creepy aura when normal otakus acting like he does would have some sort of force field the size of a small car. Well at least no one wants to go near them.

"Kuro-chan, I'm getting exasperated now! Call me Mio already, if I hear you calling me by my last name again you're not getting anymore cake you know." She puffed up her cheeks, then laughed at his expression. I'm sure he was quite devestated at the thought of losing the sweet bliss that is an occasional cake from Mio. No matter what I can say about her, her baking skills have been top-notch ever since I've known her. In fact I was reaching out for another piece as I compliment her like this.

"Ahahaha, alright you can have another piece each. Flattery only gets you so far you know, so keep doing my homework Micchin." I wince again at her nickname for me. Thankfully no one else uses it, or I might find myself a new home out in the mountains. Besides which, it is a completely unequal exchange for me to do all her homework for her and only get two slices of cake. As I find myself reaching out for a third piece she quickly removes them from my reach and pokes her tongue out at me.

***

Another school day ends just like that. I stare out at the concrete sky through the window letting my thoughts wander over trivial matters and the paranoid concepts that are my hobby. Continuing on from this morning, isn't it more than just people watching you? Could it be that this whole world was being watched by someone else; a truly monolothic production for the sake of entertainment. Perhaps that person is the God so many worship, or aliens, or that parallel universe. Who knows how much of reality is made up and how much of your imagination is real. What if there is a telepathic power hidden inside everyone, and no one would believe in it, even if they had it. Don't you ever imagine that someone you're talking may be thinking these things? But of course not - it's just my paranoia talking.

My self-admitted overactive imagination runs wild as I stare at the impending rain.

   >I forgot my umbrella.
   >I didn't forget my umbrella.

Draft | Ch1: I forgot my umbrella\

            #Michiru

Title: I forgot my umbrella.
"Then, Micchin? Let's go home together," Mio suddenly appears out of nowhere again, that smile of hers is like some super move that is aimed straight for your heart. But, such a surprise attack does nothing if it happens on a daily basis. Even a mushroom would get stronger if it faced annihilation every day. She really is beautiful at the strangest moments, but aside from that I respectfully decline this delightful offer.

"Hey, hey! I don't have an umbrella today so you can't say no to me. How else am I going to get home without getting wet?" She sulked to me. She seems to forget we have a third friend in the class, and before I could remind her so Kuro came up himself.


I'll force you to sign this marriage certificate if you break that promise.

Offline Kureha

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Re: Test: Lightest Black
« Reply #1 on: July 09, 2010, 12:05:22 am »
Took me a few rereads to get what's going on but it's the start of a darker setting V/N.
It might just be me but I think the reader is kinda thrown into the world a bit fast with a ton of things being brought up so fast it's kinda hard to digest during the first read.

Offline Green_Tea

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Re: Test: Lightest Black
« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2010, 12:11:13 am »
But that's the thing with VN's. You have to play them over and over again, so if the author makes it too easy, it's actually very common for it to get boring. There's the skip function I guess, but I'd rather just make things a little bit more confusing, than dumb it down for the audience. Or at least that's my reasoning. Who knows, I can already spot a few glaring mistakes.

Offline inferno_flamex

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Re: Test: Lightest Black
« Reply #3 on: July 09, 2010, 12:22:46 am »
What if i wanna choose...

"I never bring an umbrella in the first place... Coz im 'manly'..."

lol... jokes.. XD

.. but seriously...
Is this something you're coming up with Tea?
An OEVN draft?

Offline Green_Tea

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Re: Test: Lightest Black
« Reply #4 on: July 09, 2010, 12:29:12 am »
OEVN?

Yes, I kinda want it to read like Haruhi. But I don't think my writing is dry enough with the right details. *sigh*

Offline inferno_flamex

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Re: Test: Lightest Black
« Reply #5 on: July 09, 2010, 12:36:31 am »
I think OEVN is the official term for.. Originally English Visual Novel...

So yea.... >_>

Offline Kureha

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Re: Test: Lightest Black
« Reply #6 on: July 09, 2010, 12:43:49 am »
Well at this point it's kinda like "Choose your own adventure"

Offline Green_Tea

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Re: Test: Lightest Black
« Reply #7 on: July 11, 2010, 07:07:17 pm »
Isn't that what all VN's are?

On a note, I just watched Ushiro Maou and the concepts they explore are fairly similar to mine. It's the whole Lelouch thing, where the hero doesn't feel the need to accept accolades if greater good can be obtained in exchange of, or somesuch. Although there was too much in UM that they didn't explain or extrapolate, I feel that it had a great balance of serious and humour as well as nice superpower ideas. It's fairly discouraging to see my themes being exploited so often and so...shittily. Well, let's hope I can do it better.

Offline invictus

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Re: Test: Lightest Black
« Reply #8 on: July 11, 2010, 09:38:54 pm »
well... the difference is that you need to get CG... and sprites for a VN... and programming... =-= lots of trouble... are you planning to take it that far?

Offline Green_Tea

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Re: Test: Lightest Black
« Reply #9 on: July 11, 2010, 09:43:05 pm »
It's not too much trouble. I think the only thing would be the backgrounds. I think only 2 sprites or so. CG's I'll have to work on or something, I'm not so good at drawing anything other than girls. Meh, I'll get around to it. I have friends who do stuffs, so once I have a story, I'll just rely on them. I'm pretty sure they'll all want to be a part of this shits.

And besides, I don't have a problem with this being scripted in Ren'py. I'm sure there are heaps of good people out there willing to do something once they have a story.

Offline mahou

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Re: Test: Lightest Black
« Reply #10 on: July 21, 2010, 11:43:33 am »
I understand this is a draft, but here's my opinion anyway.

Chihara Michiru, his thoughts seem all over the place; maybe that's the sort of character he's intended to be? Or just a product of you getting all you thoughts down, which is what a draft is. I get the impression that feels like when a person is thinking of something, but at the same time has several other ideas on their mind, so when trying to get something across the sentence becomes awkward. Other than that though, I think more description is needed or maybe not it's hard to tell if you're writing for something that will include graphics and backgrounds. In which case you will only need to describe as much as you arn't able to convey through the graphics.

Offline Green_Tea

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Re: Test: Lightest Black
« Reply #11 on: July 21, 2010, 01:28:17 pm »
I understand this is a draft, but here's my opinion anyway.

Chihara Michiru, his thoughts seem all over the place; maybe that's the sort of character he's intended to be? Or just a product of you getting all you thoughts down, which is what a draft is. I get the impression that feels like when a person is thinking of something, but at the same time has several other ideas on their mind, so when trying to get something across the sentence becomes awkward. Other than that though, I think more description is needed or maybe not it's hard to tell if you're writing for something that will include graphics and backgrounds. In which case you will only need to describe as much as you arn't able to convey through the graphics.

That was helpful. My deepest gratitudes.

Hmm, how do I put this. I wrote it in mind of Kyon and the way the translated Haruhi was read. Many thoughts, anecdotes and dry, sarcastic lines, but little overall in ways of uhhh....actual responses. Rather it might be nice if the readers could imagine or extrapolate their own kind of responses to it. Sort of like what they would personally say under such circumstances. As well it is nicer to edit things out rather than in since I won't end up scrapping everything and starting all over.

Graphics are a yes. I've done a few trial paper-dolls on pen and paper, and I can colour, just waiting on my lazy scan-assistant to scan it up so someone can line it properly and send it back to me. Backgrounds I haven't planned yet, but this isn't going anywhere yet. Long term hobby project you could say.
« Last Edit: July 21, 2010, 01:32:19 pm by Green_Tea »