well... I don't know about the writing part but... here's a sample of what I can come up with.
It doesn't have to do with this project though, just a little project of mine.
Okay, read through it. Seems pretty cool. I like the pacing at the start, and the character interactions in the later half aren't bad and seem common place for most eroge/galge, but I had a thought about the form of the script a few days ago when people were submitting their initial drafts. Basically what I noticed was that there were quite a few walls of text, while many visual novels and more so for the eroge kind deliver a stream of chunks. This need for proper segmentation of narrative became even more obvious in the quick mock up that one anon did in the Novelty engine.
The middle part of your story leans more towards larger paragraphs to give depth to the plot. Do you think, that if you were put to the task, that you could achieve the same effect but with smaller, self-contained paragraphs? Otherwise I think your style would be quite beneficial to this project. It's very down to earth, easy to read, and still manages to convey an immersible atmosphere without being pretentious in its delivery.
